I had another rough night last night. Gee, according to my Fitbit I got 3 hours and 33 minutes of sleep. š I was so mad at my DM. I was feeling just heartbroken because he hasnāt physically come back to me and I was ready to walk away from this whole thing. I swear that I was divinely prompted to look at his updated work picture. Itās been up for a few months (updates every fall) and Iāve never had a need to look, but it was like his 5d self was telling me to go look. So I looked. You guys, I love him and canāt be angry with him. Heās miserable. Absolutely miserable. Like, he couldnāt even fake his amazing smile for a professional picture thatās seen by hundreds of people. And this is a guy who very much cares about how the public perceives him to be, so for him to take a picture like that without even an attempt to look happy, approachable, friendly etc is insane. He looked just pissed off with a huge side of defeat. Iām not giving up on him. I canāt. Iāve seen that sparkle in his eyes when heās happy and I will keep sending him my love. Unconditionally. This journey is hard. But what I realized last night is that itās a journey thatās a lot bigger and more important than my whiny 3D self. That is all. ā¤ļø
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I feel for you too
Neither of you are whiney!! I am a giving person... To my own detriment at times (something I am working on!) and I think I struggled most with thinking that this was a journey that my DM and I were meant to take together (trying to control the situation much, Tracey? Or just scared to be alone? Or more honestly, wanting to be the one to fix him instead of focussing on myself?). I literally feel my DM's pain. More than my own sometimes. And I just want him to be happy.... I want him to succeed. I want him to have everything he dreams of. It angers me that he doesn't SEE what I see... That he cares but he is scared of the connection. That he wants less from me than I want to give. Pisses me RIGHT OFF. And that anger and hurt is what drives him away. I won't give up on my DM either, but I know we both need space in the 3D. When we are in contact in the 3D I get super overwhelmed and my confused emotions take over... You want to see whiney? You should see me when I am in contact with him... šā¤
I really resonate with A LOT of what you are feeling and going through... And I am so grateful that you are able to share it! It really isn't easy. I spend more time in my head trying to figure things out and rationalize them... And all I really want is to move forward without all the confusion. I thought I let go before... Probably 3 times now.... But I am aiming for fully letting go. I am getting closer every day... I feel different after every tower moment. I am trying now to stop attempting to hold the towers up when they need to fall... Grateful for you girl. šā¤
I feel the same way. Having in there.ā¤ļø
Meant āhang in thereāš¤¦š½āāļøš